If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
