I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
