Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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