Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
