I cockslap morals
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
