I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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