The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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