I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you had me at cake vodka
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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