she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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