Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
