ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
