his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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