Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
