There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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