i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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