If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
