So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
