Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
