dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
