there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My boob is missing a layer of skin
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Randomize
