I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
