So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
