fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
