I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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