His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
