So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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