GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
