i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Let's get the cat blown out
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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