if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
two words...techno handjob
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
