I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
