My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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