I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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