Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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