If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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