dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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