seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
