just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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