well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
