she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
