I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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