I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
