apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
