Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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