I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
