he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
