i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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