she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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