Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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