So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
