I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
